12,410 days

So today is my birthday. I remember back when that was a huge deal to me. I vividly remember one birthday when I was 12. Being a comic book geek and a movie fan, even at age 12, my friends and I stood in line to see Batman the day it opened. I'm talking about the Tim Burton/Michael Keaton Batman, not the Adam West one (I'm old, but not that old). Anyway, I remember feeling completely optimistic, knowing that the movie was going to be amazing and that the rest of my life was going to be so much better as I got older.
Well, I won't say I was completely wrong. The movie WAS amazing--but a lot has happened since then that sometimes makes me with I could go back in time to tell my teenage self some things.
That was really before I knew anything about money, and the fact that you apparently need it to get what you want and to survive. I didn't know about the pressures of a quota at work...I didn't know what stress the people you love can put on you to do what they think you should do. I was basically a punk kid living for myself.
That was also before I learned too much about sickness, death, and my own mortality. I had watched my grandmother slip away slowly to cancer a few years earlier, but that was my only experience with losing someone who meant the world to me.
Fast forward a few years, and I start to notice things about my father. He becomes increasingly violent toward my mom...his movements become a lot "stranger", and he's not formulating thoughts the way he used to. As I have mentioned in other blogs (possibly the ones I had posted on myspace--ah, myspace...crap, I really am old) my dad didn't really say much to begin with, and I had no idea what was going on with him. I don't remember how I found out, how I learned the phrase 'Huntington's Disease', but I know it took many years off dad's life--oh, and since he had it, your favorite Verizon salesman has a 50% chance of developing it.
Since that realization, birthdays haven't meant as much to me as they once did. Now, when June 24th rolls around...it's like a clock continuing to click down to THE END. I know that everyone dies (except maybe Jason Harris--he's alpha) but my dad left a lot of things undone, a lot of discussions unhad, a lot of things unmoved. As I get older, even though I haven't been gene tested and have no idea which side of the 50/50 I fall on, I get more convinced that my life, especially, is short. My dad never spent much, if any, time with Alex. My dad obviously has never met my sister's kids Jayden and Bryson...and he never met Jonah and Carolina, either. He missed out. These are all great kids that fill the world with hope, love, and silliness (ask Carrie to tell you a knock knock joke sometime).
Right now, Jonah and Carrie are running around like fools in the living room. Jonah has a dollhouse (a MANLY doll house), and Carrie has BennieMinnie and is watching Dora. I want to be around when they get married (when Carrie's 50--she can't date til she's 35), I want to be around to see them graduate college--after 2 years in the NFL, for J-Buggy. I want to spoil my grandkids and send them home hopped up on ice cream like my mom does for my kids.
With every passing year, I realize I have screwed up a lot of things in my life. I have ruined relationships that should have been life long...I have followed my feelings when it made no sense to do so. I have made questionable decisions that have cost me more than I ever care to talk about. When I turned 30, I told Jill that by the age of Jesus (33) I would have lost 100lbs and be out of credit card debt. We have managed to take care of the credit card debt, for the most part, but I am still a fat jerk.
Why am I writing this rambling, basically off the top of my head blog? Well, primarily it's because I want someone to hold me accountable, and I figure if I post this on facebook at least one of the 696 of you will do that. I am kind of tired of the way I am living my life. I waste so much time on things that aren't important...so much worry about trivial things. I am making a very focused effort to change some things in my world.
The first thing I am going to do is make sure that the kids and Jill know that I love them--every day. I can be the biggest, most cynical jerk in the world. I am going to start year #34 with a new attitude. I am going to look on the positive side of things. I am going to make quality memories with my family. I'm not going to be unavailable. No longer am I going to sit on the couch at bedtime playing Angry Birds (or Stupid Zombies--have you played that game? Addicting is not the word, it's like crack). I am tired of being a half-empty type of guy. I need to be more decisive...more than a spectator in my own life.
When I was going through the 30 Day Song Challenge a while back, one of the days was "A Song That Makes You Feel Guilty". There was only one choice for me, and that was "Father of Mine" by Everclear. I was never a scared white kid in a black neighborhood (as Jill pointed out to me when I told her about it) but the singer talks about how he's not going to do the same things that his father did with his own children. In some ways, and its a completely different situation, but I have done this with Alex. He's 15 now so he probably would rather I stay out of his life, but I know what it's like growing up without a father, and if I have ever made you feel that way, ya liberal hippie, I am truly sorry.
I also am going to cut out pop, effective last night. I know that this really doesn't mean much to most of you, but it's a big deal to me. I have never smoked a cigarette, don't drink alcohol...but I can kill Mountain Dew in no time flat. This is part of my eat healthy and exercise plan, which is, to start doing it. Geez, that was a tough one.
So, will you stand with me? Will you bug me about these things? I need someone to constantly be pressing me on these things, and some things I need to change but don't have the desire to write here...I know me, it's the only way I am going to accomplish my goals.