Saturday, September 7, 2013

I Prefer A Disease You Can Sober Up From

So that's a picture of me and my sister and my Dad.  You can take a second and laugh at the awesomeness of my socks, I'll wait.  Now I'll wait another couple seconds as you laugh at the fact I am clearly scared out of my mind at the petting zoo while my 2 year old sister is fearless.  Again, I'll wait.
The tragedy of this picture, as ridiculous as it is, is that I only have a handful of pictures of that guy. 
Dad was not perfect, even before he was affected by HD.  He was an often distant, strict person who should have been way more involved in the lives of ALL OF his children.  Due to whatever the circumstances were, I never met my grandparents because of him.
People tell me that Dad was a much different person before the two great battles in his life.  Viet Nam, where he proudly served and was awarded a Purple Heart, and Huntington's Disease. 
Dad's legacy in my life was profound, obviously, I wouldn't be here without him, but the biggest legacy he left us with, when he ultimately lost his fight in 1996 is this.

Due strictly to family history, and nothing that I have done wrong, I have a 50% chance of inheriting a disease that:
...caused people to be burned at the stake as witches in the middle ages due to the chorea--involuntary jerking type movements that are symptomatic of HD
...will most likely cause the victim to become violent, aggressive, depressed and suicidal--sometimes all at once
...will cause the victim lose the ability to speak and reason
...will cause people to stare at the victim
...will shut down the body and mind of the victim until they are unable to do anything for themselves.
...has no cure
...may be passed on to my children--these children:


Oops, that's Rachel Maddow, wrong picture.  Should've been this one, of my oldest son, Alex:

There's no resemblance.  It was a total and complete mistake. The person responsible for posting the pictures on this blog have been severely beaten.  Then there's Jonah and Carrie:

Who have no celebrity doppelgangers.
A lot of people have asked me why I have spent almost a year of my life trying to get this Concert of Hope thing together and ready for the public on October 11th at the Meeting Place on Market here in Lima.  They've asked me why HD and not something else, something that people know more about, something that it's 'cool' to donate money to help. 
 The people pictured above (well, not Miss Maddow, who am sure is lovely) matter more to me than anything else ever could, and if I could do a small part to help them down the road--if the IF becomes a WHEN--then this fight will be worth it to me. THEY are why I'm doing this show, why I am donating so much time, energy and effort to put together this concert.
 
My sincere hope is that we raise a ton of money for HDSA at this benefit concert, and that we raise a ton of awareness for HD.   The craziest thing is, when in the process of doing this show, people have rudely tossed my fundraising letter aside, I've been told several things by several people that turned out to be not true, and I have had to downsize this show--twice.  However, I have also made contact with a half-sister I only kind of knew I had, and that is awesome to me (everyone say Hi Robin).  I've also learned who my true friends are and know who I can trust, if I ever feel foolish enough to do this show again.  Thank you to everyone who donated, and will donate, and thank you for helping us to realize this dream.  The long, difficult, but not impossible dream of helping those affected--or potentially affected--by HD.
 
I'm sure I'll edit this a million times, but now, 5 weeks out, it's important to make this fight a personal one.  Thank you for joining me in it, even if it's just in spirit.  But come to the show, I promise it won't suck.
 
Here's a good link to the science of the disease:  http://maptest.rutgers.edu/drupal/?q=node/401

Huntington's Disease was called "Huntington's Chorea" back when Woody Guthrie was 
diagnosed with it in 1952. He inherited the deadly degenerative brain disorder from his
mother,  who died from it at the age of 41...when Woody was 15 years old. 
After a brave struggle, Woody Guthrie  succumbed to Huntington's Disease 
on October 3rd, 1967. Two of Woody's daughters have died of the disease as well.

I got this thing called chorea in my head
Wanna walk but I fall down instead
folks say "Woody, he's just drunk again"
but I haven't had a drink since I don't know when
besides...I only drink when I'm alone...or with somebody
My arms felt funny moving all the time
and sometimes my head didn't feel like mine
kept telling myself it was the Ballantine Ale
and them jugs of wine on the writing trail
I prefer a disease you can sober up from

Chorea took my mother so it's been waiting on me
us Guthrie's got brains like them bourgeoisie
if you're not careful you can get lost up there
like a poor man searching for a millionaire

I got more friends than dollars.....but I lose 'em both the same
Sent me to a hospital I opened the door
saw my reflection in their nice clean floor
don't mind seeing someone who looks like me
but I do get nervous when he stares back at me

so I ran...but when you're dizzy you go round in circles
Friends said "Woody it's good you're here"
then they'd slip out the back door and disappear
it's like no quite knowing where you've bled
when you wake up with the sheets all red

I try not to bleed red anymore 'cause they'll call me a commie if I do
A doctor George Huntington....he gave it the name
and all these years later it's still the same
no cure but the patience of the ones you love
and the busy schedule of the Lord above

you can usually count on him....but's he's mighty slow
I'll come clean...it's not fun on the inside
for protections your arms tied to your side
I can hear you and I know what I want to say
but my brain no longer works that way

maybe I said too much already....it's one way to shut me up
If you can't remember how I died remember how I lived
and if you can find it in your heart to forgive
know that the piece of brain that had to fall
never affected my love for you at all
I'm gonna play this thing 'till they find a cure...


Monday, June 24, 2013

Why I do what I'm trying to do

Two years ago, I wrote a very long blog about growing old.  It is in its entirety on my BlogSpot site, but here are the important parts for this blog's topic.

========================================================================
So today is my birthday. I remember back when that was a huge deal to me. I vividly remember one birthday when I was 12. Being a comic book geek and a movie fan, even at age 12, my friends and I stood in line to see Batman the day it opened. I'm talking about the Tim Burton/Michael Keaton Batman, not the Adam West one (I'm old, but not that old). Anyway, I remember feeling completely optimistic, knowing that the movie was going to be amazing and that the rest of my life was going to be so much better as I got older.
Well, I won't say I was completely wrong. The movie WAS amazing--but a lot has happened since then that sometimes makes me with I could go back in time to tell my teenage self some things.
That was really before I knew anything about money, and the fact that you apparently need it to get what you want and to survive. I didn't know about the pressures of a quota at work...I didn't know what stress the people you love can put on you to do what they think you should do. I was basically a punk kid living for myself.
That was also before I learned too much about sickness, death, and my own mortality. I had watched my grandmother slip away slowly to cancer a few years earlier, but that was my only experience with losing someone who meant the world to me.
Fast forward a few years, and I start to notice things about my father. He becomes increasingly violent toward my mom...his movements become a lot "stranger", and he's not formulating thoughts the way he used to. As I have mentioned in other blogs (possibly the ones I had posted on myspace--ah, myspace...crap, I really am old) my dad didn't really say much to begin with, and I had no idea what was going on with him. I don't remember how I found out, how I learned the phrase 'Huntington's Disease', but I know it took many years off dad's life--oh, and since he had it, your favorite Verizon salesman has a 50% chance of developing it.
Since that realization, birthdays haven't meant as much to me as they once did. Now, when June 24th rolls around...it's like a clock continuing to click down to THE END. I know that everyone dies (except maybe Jason Harris--he's alpha) but my dad left a lot of things undone, a lot of discussions unhad, a lot of things unmoved. As I get older, even though I haven't been gene tested and have no idea which side of the 50/50 I fall on, I get more convinced that my life, especially, is short. My dad never spent much, if any, time with Alex. My dad obviously has never met my sister's kids Jayden and Bryson...and he never met Jonah and Carolina, either. He missed out. These are all great kids that fill the world with hope, love, and silliness (ask Carrie to tell you a knock knock joke sometime).
Right now, Jonah and Carrie are running around like fools in the living room. Jonah has a dollhouse (a MANLY doll house), and Carrie has BennieMinnie and is watching Dora. I want to be around when they get married (when Carrie's 50--she can't date til she's 35), I want to be around to see them graduate college--after 2 years in the NFL, for J-Buggy. I want to spoil my grandkids and send them home hopped up on ice cream like my mom does for my kids.
With every passing year, I realize I have screwed up a lot of things in my life. I have ruined relationships that should have been life long...I have followed my feelings when it made no sense to do so. I have made questionable decisions that have cost me more than I ever care to talk about. When I turned 30, I told Jill that by the age of Jesus (33) I would have lost 100lbs and be out of credit card debt. We have managed to take care of the credit card debt, for the most part, but I am still a fat jerk.
Why am I writing this rambling, basically off the top of my head blog? Well, primarily it's because I want someone to hold me accountable, and I figure if I post this on facebook at least one of the 696 of you will do that. I am kind of tired of the way I am living my life. I waste so much time on things that aren't important...so much worry about trivial things. I am making a very focused effort to change some things in my world.
The first thing I am going to do is make sure that the kids and Jill know that I love them--every day. I can be the biggest, most cynical jerk in the world. I am going to start year #34 with a new attitude. I am going to look on the positive side of things. I am going to make quality memories with my family. I'm not going to be unavailable. No longer am I going to sit on the couch at bedtime playing Angry Birds (or Stupid Zombies--have you played that game? Addicting is not the word, it's like crack). I am tired of being a half-empty type of guy. I need to be more decisive...more than a spectator in my own life.
======================================================================

Still with me?  Good.  Obviously, the important things here are the HD discussions.  I'm now 36 and I know that dad was showing more and more signs that something was wrong at this point in his life.  I'm not going to lie, it scares the hell out of me.  A lot.  I pray daily that God will somehow spare me the pain and slow, crippling death march that is HD, but then I feel guilty for all those people who will develop it.  I still haven't been gene tested, mainly because I don't know how I would react either way. 
Awhile ago, I was thinking of a way that I could help people in my situation while I could.  The best thing  I could come up with was putting on a concert to raise awareness and hopefully money for the Huntington's Disease Society of America.  So, that's what I'm attempting to do.  For me, it's very very personal.  I know that most of you don't know what HD is or how HD can affect people.  You're lucky in that regard.  So I'm asking you to consider donating to the HDSA Benefit concert (or at the very least, buying a ticket).  Every day, there are strides being made in the fight against this horrific disease, but the fight needs your help.  Stand with me and together we may be part of the last generation that is affected by HD.

Donations can be made here:   http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/paulbriggs/paulbriggssfundraisingpage

Tickets can be purchased here:
https://ticketriver.com/event/7681-concert-of-hope-2013--a-benefit-concert-for-hdsa

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The King of Random has spoken!

Hey everybody, long time no talk. I know what you're thinking, geez, Paul, I thought you were going to blog more. I mean, you keep threatening that. Well, I think this may be my first attempt at blogging regularly. I feel like I have some snarky, sarcastic, things to say that you all deserve to hear and who am I to deny you of that pleasure? Not really sure what this blog will be about, but it'll probably be a long one since I am currently running the clock out at Radio Hospital before I start working at Sprint.


And there's no one here at my store. No one. Probably the 5 degree air temperature is to blame. Or maybe it's Main Street. Either way, I'm bored blogging, which is the basic equivalent of drunk dialing...but not as fun. Or so I've heard.

I want to say this upfront, if you ever get a chance to work for the DePalma family here in Lima, at Radio Hospital or any of the other businesses, take the opportunity. Tony and his family are great people, who have hired me (twice!) and definitely take care of their employees. I just feel like it's time to move on, and the opportunity to deal with broken cell phones and not worry about a sales quota is too much for me to pass up. I'm grateful for the opportunities presented me, and I wouldn't change it for anything.

There have been a lot of changes since the last time I wrote. I am still trying to lose weight and generally be healthier...but Cold Stone tastes way too good, and so this is creating an issue for me. It's hard, when you've done the same thing for this long, to make the transition to healthier. I'm trying. I don't think that my push to get healthier stops at physically.

Here's what I mean. I have had it on my heart to do a men's Bible study for a long while now. I am by no means a theology expert, just a guy who is looking for people to study with me and hold me accountable. I feel like this push has become something that I am going to be unable to ignore, so please if you are interested in being involved in such a group here in Lima, let me know.

One of my slogans going into 2013 was that I was going to stop talking about doing things and start doing them. I joined Anytime Fitness, and now I am starting the process of putting together this group. I feel like it's time to take back this town, and even though I won't be directly involved in the inner city of Lima anymore, I feel like it's my mission field, and I don't want to lose sight of that.

There were great ideas that Ben Wright and I talked about in the past, about telling the stories of the people in Lima, that have fallen by the wayside because we don't have a venue. This is another thing that I've been thinking about quite a lot lately.

Here are more things that I believe to be true:



1. The same people who vowed that Obama would be a one term President are now mad and saying he isn't willing to compromise. Hypocrite, much?

2. We can't pretend to know the spiritual journey of any man. President, bloviating pastor, or Jason Harris. Stop trying. It's up to God, let Him do it.

3. THE FOLLOWING is a creepy show, and not in the good way that FRINGE was.

4. How great was Peter's "I love you, dad" on the series finale, by the way?

5. Ted Mosby needs to hurry up and meet the mother, already.



Well, that killed 15 minutes...until next time, true believers...





Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Better Off Anyway

In July 2011, I was offer a job with Hostess Brands, as the 'relief driver' in the Lima area.  I was excited, and thought I had finally found the job that I was going to retire from.  Yes, really.  I had been sort of aimlessly drifting from job to job since we moved to Lima, and with the twins, it was very important to me that I provided stability for my family.
The hours were going to be very early (most of the time starting at around 4am) and would be long--most days at least 10 hours--but the pay would be worth it, and the benefits would make it all worth while.  I realized very early on, looking back on it probably within the first week, that I didn't really want to keep doing the job but I was determined to 'gut it out' because in my mind I didn't want to be a quitter--again.  The hours were much, much worse and more demanding than I ever could have anticipated.  There were days early on that I would work from 4am until at least 4pm in blazing hot weather and in a truck that didn't even have a fan, much less air conditioning.  I'm not necessarily complaining, and I'm not looking for sympathy, because I knew some of this going in, but the reality didn't sink in until I started actually doing the job.  I would be walking around in a constant half-daze, and there were days when I swear I nodded off while driving on the routes I was assigned.  There's one day in particular that I was only stirred out of my stupor because I heard a horn--that happened to be my arm on the truck's horn.  When I finally did make it home, the twins or Jill would do the slightest little thing and I would fly off the handle at them...something I'm not proud of, happy about or that I ever wanted to do again.  Less importantly, but annoying nonetheless, was the fact that I would be asleep nightly by around 8.  I can't tell you much about almost any television shows that were on in the last year, because I was constantly falling asleep during them...and then, of course, I'd be mad when Jill woke me up.
Then, you add to the fact that the company filed for its second bankruptcy in less than a decade about two months after I started working there, with constant letters, notices and the like that the almighty union was working diligently to protect their own interests protect the workers and would likely go to strike if the big mean corporation didn't give in to their demands and pay for pensions for people who have long since retired that didn't mean a thing to me.  Equally as frequent, we would get letters, notices and the like from the company that the union was the one to blame.  But all agreed that if a strike happened, the company--and my job--would go the way of the buffalo.
I spent almost all of December--including Christmas Eve--in Mansfield on a route.  I had no clue where I was, and there was questionable (at best) management in the Mansfield branch.  The worst part of all of it was that management at MY branch became increasingly difficult to deal with.  I was hired by a guy who was then fired before I started working there (red flag #1) and so I don't know that I was ever this manager's first choice.  At first, probably when I was still in the process of trying to make lemonade out of a crap sandwich, we worked well together.  But, the less I cared, the more he started to babysit my every action and would write me up for things that I shouldn't have been responsible for (excessive stock in stores on routes I was covering, incorrect ordering, etc) and this led to a very uncomfortable work environment.   
Then, one day, when I was very near the end of my rope as it was, I had lunch with a guy from my church.  I don't want to name any names but his name sounds like "Den Knight" and he's way too freaking good at Hanging With Friends.  He said something that I was thinking anyway, and that was that I needed to find my worth outside of my JOB.  I realized at that moment that I was praying for the wrong thing.  It wasn't so much that if this job was what God wanted for me to make it easy, it's that I should have been praying that my life--regardless of occupation--reflected Him.  I hate that I missed it, and that it's taken me 35 years to get to this point...but things became very clear in my mind at that point.
I had to get out of there.  I had to use my talents and experience and find a job that would actually not slowly be killing me and my family relationships.  And so, I started the application process.  There were several interviews but it just didn't seem like the timing was right for a variety of reasons.  The companies that I interviewed with (with a couple of exceptions) seem like great places to work, and I'm not going to downplay any of them.  It just wasn't in His time, and I'm fine with that.
Regardless of all of that, I had had enough of Hostess, and I decided to give my notice anyway, trusting that there would be an opportunity open up.  I told my boss about it, who then suddenly became my best friend.  He'd help unload the truck, do things that he had never done in the entire time I had been there, and really lost his Secret Squirrel habits.   He had asked me to work an extra two days after my notice should have ended, and I agreed on the condition that he would be there to help me unload and finish the day on Friday, because I was going to a concert and needed to leave early that day.  When I got to the branch that morning, it turned out that he was taking a personal day, and that basically he had no intention of helping me out.  That was kind of sort of the last straw, and I texted him to tell him I wasn't coming in the next day.  He texted back with this:

WHATEVER PAUL.  BETTER OFF ANYWAY.

At this point, I have to give a shout out to my friend Dean, who works at Radio Hospital (the company I quit just before I went on my year long exodus into Ho Ho Hell).  We were talking at the mall one day and he said, "You know, I see a lot of people come through here but you are one of only a few that I actually miss working with."  And I realized I missed working at the company, as well...but figured I had blown that when I left. 
Then, there was an ad in the paper for a sales job at Radio Hospital.  So I emailed Carla, a fantastic leader, manager and friend, and asked her how one went about reapplying with the company.  She told me to send my interest to Toldyouso@radiohospital.com which was EPIC.  I told her that email didn't work, but somehow we ended up making a connection and I ended up in her office talking about coming back.
That was a few weeks ago.  Since then, I have had more time with Jill, Jonah and Carrie.  I've been more alert and awake and generally way easier to get along with in that time.  I've actually seen things I intended to sit down and watch, and I have the time and energy to do things outside of work that I should have had more of a focus on this whole time. 
What does this mean to you?  Well, a couple things.  First of all, if you're in a crappy job, you probably are not trapped in it.  You have to do what is best for you, and I would encourage you to seek the advice of wise people (or if you can't find any, ask Ben ;)) in your life and pray about your next move.  Also, it means if you need a cell phone, come see starting August 1st--and that you'll probably see lots of facebook begging soon. 
I have to say that, for one of the few times in the time I knew him, my manager was right.  I am better off anyway.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Circle K disgrace and Cracker Barrel grace

I'm going to tell you two stories in this blog. Here is the first.
On Super Bowl Sunday, we decided we should grill out, so after church we stopped into the gas station to get an exchange on our propane tank (something I should have done months ago, but I'm lazy). I paid for what should have been a 2 minute transaction and went outside to wait for the lady to get it out of the cage. After about 5 minutes, she comes out and tells me she is going to have to give me a refund because she can't find the key to unlock it. No problem, says me, and I go inside to get refunded.
At the counter, there's a guy trying to cash in a $500 lottery ticket. They explain to him that they can't do it because they don't have that much cash in their registers--store policy prevents it--and this guy flips out. It was a completely classless and stupid overreaction to the situation. It was one of those scenes where if I regret not saying anything in the moment.
He made quite the scene...and irritated me more than the lack of propane exchange did. Then, we went to another gas station to do the exchange and couldn't because this high school girl was the only one in the store and couldn't go outside to do it. My frustration level is growing at this point, but I did a decent job of holding my tongue and left...not trying to be the lottery loser from down the street. At the next store, we got the propane and all well right with the world, but dude's freak out stuck with me.
Second story.
We were at Cracker Barrel on Sunday. The last time we were there was several months ago...an event that has come to be known as 'THE BARRELING' because of how horrific the twins were. We decided to try it again, and they were actually really well behaved, so this blog is not them. Honestly, it's not even about me.
At the next table over, there was a large party of around 10, about half of whom were under age 6. Since I spend most of my life out in public with children in this age range (note the title of this here bloggerooski), I could pretty much emphathize with the father in the family. The objective, for those of you who dont have the joy, is to eat as quick as possible before the kids get antsy and try to singlehandedly destroy the restaurant. And also to keep them entertained enough that they don't try to entertain themselves (which for Jonah and Carrie usually involves a game of who can scream the loudest).
So anyway the people ordered their drinks and when the waitress brought them out, she managed to spill them all over the floor and on the kids. I try to put myself in the dad's place and I'd like to think I would handle it the way he did. He basically just laughed it off and wasn't even remotely upset. In reality, I feel like I would not have reacted so well. I don't think I would have been so understanding.
My prayer, and purpose for this blog (written on my iPhone so probably with odd spacing and auto corrected words) is to serve as a reminder to calm down and don't let life get to me. None of this will matter in 100 years, most of it won't matter in 100 minutes, so why freak out about it.
To the guy at Cracker Barrel, thanks for the reminder. To the guy at Circle K...get a life. :)

Friday, December 30, 2011

December 30, 2011

First of all, it's been since June 24th since I wrote my last blog. I'm a slacker, and should probably just go ahead and take the next 6 months off too, maybe write once a year--on my birthday. But since I never listen to anyone's advice, including my own wonderful advice, I will post this one. Plus, I know Seth Anderson is anxiously updating his facebook feed waiting to read this silly nonsense I am about to spew out.
It is so hard for me to not write a blog about Creps's Quality Bakery in my hometown of Ligonier, Indiana closing as of tomorrow. I know there's a very limited audience for that, but I do so love their donuts. To all involved with the bakery, thank you for being my breakfast just about every morning my junior and senior year of high school and every time I was back in Ligonier during college. It's truly sad to see such an institution close. But I digress...the real reason for this blog begins now.
It's almost the New Year. What that means is there are a lot of people writing a lot of lists of the best of 2011. Best TV show (Community), best CD (Switchfoot's Vice Verses), best movie (either Super 8 or The Muppets--I'm torn) and so many more useless lists. People also make lists of their New Year's Resolutions. That's what I am going to do here, to put in writing what my plans are so you all can mock me, encourage me, or tell me what a darn fool I am. (Sorry, I got interrupted by having to make piggy noises for the twins--don't ask...where was I?) Oh yeah. I am also going to make a list because I'm oh so very creative. Here, without any further adieu, here are my 2012 resolutions.

1. Allow interruptions.
I'm sure most of you know I am the father of two great insane almost 3 year olds. I will be the first to admit that I get frustrated with them, perhaps sometimes a little bit too easily. I can get so focused on what I'm doing that I forget to allow myself to be interrupted by these two. They are what matter at the end of the day, at the end of my life, and I don't want to allow my busy-ness to get in the way any longer.

2. Be More Helpful Up In Here
The hardest transition I made in 2011 was leaving Radio Hospital to take a job at Hostess. I still don't always believe it was the best decision for me, but it's the path I chose and I am going to have to see it through now. The reason it was so hard was because I went from sleeping til 9am, working til 6pm and coming home to sleeping til 2am, working til 3pm and coming home exhausted. Because of this, I have not always been the most eager participant in helping Jill with standard everyday household stuff (laundry, dishes, cooking, changing diapers, etc). I'm sorry that becoming used to my schedule is taking way longer than I had hoped it would, but in 2012 I resolve to make myself a more helpful member of this here family (or as Carrie would say, famimy)

3. Get More Involved in Church, and with my God
Pretty self explanatory, but a continued theme of my plans for 2012 and this blog is to get off the sidelines and be an active participant in something bigger than myself. Since we all know the world is going to be ending on December 21st this year, it's a good idea for me (and for you, dear reader) to get actively involved with a church, so on that faithful day you will have somewhere to go when the walkers come (Oh, side tangent, why are they 'walkers'? Why does no one go, hey, they look a lot like zombies? Sorry...the writer responsible for that has been flogged). This year, I am going to read the new Tony Dungy devotional book daily and also do more to get involved in the Community at church. I'm so sick of sitting on the sidelines.

There are more, but I am already going to have a hard enough time keeping these, and I have Jonah screaming at me to make him Macaroni & Cheese. A hero's work is never done. So here's to you, 2011. I don't have the fondest memories of you, a lot of bad things happened, but I'm not cheering your departure the way I do when Jason Harris stops posting on my facebook page.
For some reason, I am very optimistic about 2012. Even if the world ends, I know that John Cusack will be there to help us all. And doesn't it give you a sense of peace knowing that? I know it does me.

God Bless you all. And I will write more this year...I will write more this year...I will write more this year.

Paul

Oh, and by the way, is anyone interested in listening to an online radio station playing mid to late 1990s "Christian music" (ie. Supertones, Plankeye, Plumb, etc?) I'm thinking about starting a Statement Retro Radio Station this year, and was just wondering if I would be entertaining myself and Sprout and no one else?

Friday, June 24, 2011

12,410 days

So today is my birthday. I remember back when that was a huge deal to me. I vividly remember one birthday when I was 12. Being a comic book geek and a movie fan, even at age 12, my friends and I stood in line to see Batman the day it opened. I'm talking about the Tim Burton/Michael Keaton Batman, not the Adam West one (I'm old, but not that old). Anyway, I remember feeling completely optimistic, knowing that the movie was going to be amazing and that the rest of my life was going to be so much better as I got older.
Well, I won't say I was completely wrong. The movie WAS amazing--but a lot has happened since then that sometimes makes me with I could go back in time to tell my teenage self some things.
That was really before I knew anything about money, and the fact that you apparently need it to get what you want and to survive. I didn't know about the pressures of a quota at work...I didn't know what stress the people you love can put on you to do what they think you should do. I was basically a punk kid living for myself.
That was also before I learned too much about sickness, death, and my own mortality. I had watched my grandmother slip away slowly to cancer a few years earlier, but that was my only experience with losing someone who meant the world to me.
Fast forward a few years, and I start to notice things about my father. He becomes increasingly violent toward my mom...his movements become a lot "stranger", and he's not formulating thoughts the way he used to. As I have mentioned in other blogs (possibly the ones I had posted on myspace--ah, myspace...crap, I really am old) my dad didn't really say much to begin with, and I had no idea what was going on with him. I don't remember how I found out, how I learned the phrase 'Huntington's Disease', but I know it took many years off dad's life--oh, and since he had it, your favorite Verizon salesman has a 50% chance of developing it.
Since that realization, birthdays haven't meant as much to me as they once did. Now, when June 24th rolls around...it's like a clock continuing to click down to THE END. I know that everyone dies (except maybe Jason Harris--he's alpha) but my dad left a lot of things undone, a lot of discussions unhad, a lot of things unmoved. As I get older, even though I haven't been gene tested and have no idea which side of the 50/50 I fall on, I get more convinced that my life, especially, is short. My dad never spent much, if any, time with Alex. My dad obviously has never met my sister's kids Jayden and Bryson...and he never met Jonah and Carolina, either. He missed out. These are all great kids that fill the world with hope, love, and silliness (ask Carrie to tell you a knock knock joke sometime).
Right now, Jonah and Carrie are running around like fools in the living room. Jonah has a dollhouse (a MANLY doll house), and Carrie has BennieMinnie and is watching Dora. I want to be around when they get married (when Carrie's 50--she can't date til she's 35), I want to be around to see them graduate college--after 2 years in the NFL, for J-Buggy. I want to spoil my grandkids and send them home hopped up on ice cream like my mom does for my kids.
With every passing year, I realize I have screwed up a lot of things in my life. I have ruined relationships that should have been life long...I have followed my feelings when it made no sense to do so. I have made questionable decisions that have cost me more than I ever care to talk about. When I turned 30, I told Jill that by the age of Jesus (33) I would have lost 100lbs and be out of credit card debt. We have managed to take care of the credit card debt, for the most part, but I am still a fat jerk.
Why am I writing this rambling, basically off the top of my head blog? Well, primarily it's because I want someone to hold me accountable, and I figure if I post this on facebook at least one of the 696 of you will do that. I am kind of tired of the way I am living my life. I waste so much time on things that aren't important...so much worry about trivial things. I am making a very focused effort to change some things in my world.
The first thing I am going to do is make sure that the kids and Jill know that I love them--every day. I can be the biggest, most cynical jerk in the world. I am going to start year #34 with a new attitude. I am going to look on the positive side of things. I am going to make quality memories with my family. I'm not going to be unavailable. No longer am I going to sit on the couch at bedtime playing Angry Birds (or Stupid Zombies--have you played that game? Addicting is not the word, it's like crack). I am tired of being a half-empty type of guy. I need to be more decisive...more than a spectator in my own life.
When I was going through the 30 Day Song Challenge a while back, one of the days was "A Song That Makes You Feel Guilty". There was only one choice for me, and that was "Father of Mine" by Everclear. I was never a scared white kid in a black neighborhood (as Jill pointed out to me when I told her about it) but the singer talks about how he's not going to do the same things that his father did with his own children. In some ways, and its a completely different situation, but I have done this with Alex. He's 15 now so he probably would rather I stay out of his life, but I know what it's like growing up without a father, and if I have ever made you feel that way, ya liberal hippie, I am truly sorry.
I also am going to cut out pop, effective last night. I know that this really doesn't mean much to most of you, but it's a big deal to me. I have never smoked a cigarette, don't drink alcohol...but I can kill Mountain Dew in no time flat. This is part of my eat healthy and exercise plan, which is, to start doing it. Geez, that was a tough one.
So, will you stand with me? Will you bug me about these things? I need someone to constantly be pressing me on these things, and some things I need to change but don't have the desire to write here...I know me, it's the only way I am going to accomplish my goals.